Shattered man
by atraealae
Summary: People judge too quickly - Severus Snape had to learn that the hard way. No one ever asked why he became a Death Eater, what made him be the way he is. While he is grieving over Lily Potter on Christmas Eve 2001 he will eventually be disturbed by Minerva McGonagall - a woman like everyone else?


Severus Snape had spent a good time of the night sitting in his office, although there were no essays to grade, no lessons to prepare.  
It was that time of the year again when all the students went home to spend Christmas with their families while he was left behind, stuck in this damn castle as well as in his own mind. It always was around Christmas that he couldn't help it but go over all the memories that haunted him for 20 years now. At least this was the amount of time that had passed since the latest incidents had taken place.

Sighing, the wizard closed his eyes and tried to choke back the memories. However the scene he came up to 242 months ago manifested itself inside his head. Although feeling the urge to laugh at himself for knowing the exact number of months that had passed since Lily Evans had died he couldn't, no matter how ridiculously weak the feelings he had seemed to him.

Still trying to handle the memory of Lily's dead body in his arms other events creeped into Severus's mind: Lily being called names by her sister, Lily standing up for him, Lily falling in love with Potter.

But still her death superimposed everything else.

"Because it's the only thing that really matters."He heard is own voice cut through his thoughts.

And as usual he was right; it didn't matter whether Lily was still married to Potter or in love with him or who-knows-what. What mattered was that she was gone. Definitively.

Severus reopened his eyes, staring into the dark that undulated all around him. He hadn't even noticed that the candles he had lit hours before had lapsed.

Again he wished for the students to come back so that there was something to distract him. From the truth. From what hurt. From himself.

It wasn't just Lily. Or just Potter. Or just anything else.

It was everything collapsing around him, especially around Christmas. It was him realizing that he had no place he could go to, no person he could vent to, nothing he could hold onto. He felt just the way he had felt before joining the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord. Desperate, helpless, weak.

Not the way a Slytherin was supposed to feel. Thinking about that he felt like a failure even more.

"Stop it, Severus", he whispered to himself, noticing how much his voice was shaking. "You should be glad for not being forced to return to the Spinner's End where an abusive father will welcome you. Instead you sit here being dwelled on some woman who didn't even love you and is dead for twenty years now." This time the ghost of a smile hinted at his face as he finally considered himself a soliloquising lonely creature floating in self-pity.

And just like that the never-failing lofty Severus Snape, former headmaster of Hogwarts and head of House Slytherin started to cry.

Uncomfortably hot and salty tears leaked from his eyes and dropped onto his black cloak.

Just then his office's door was thrown open and the person who had just entered immediately lit up some candles. Quickly fighting back his tears along with the sobs launching from his throat, Severus figured out who was disturbing his Christmassy ritual. To his surprise the visitor turned out to be no one else but Minerva McGonagall, headmistress of Hogwarts as well as head of Gryffindor who was warily looking at him.

"Headmistress." His voice made everything even more suspicious. He felt like the fact that he just cried was as obvious as his skin being pale.

"Severus." Minerva didn't look away for a single second. She didn't even blink.

"May I ask why you are giving me the honour of your company?", Severus asked trying to make his voice sound a little more severusly.

"It's Christmas Eve", the headmistress explained as if that answered Severus's question.

"I thought I'd spend some time with everyone around here tonight", she added when she realised the wizard hadn't got a clue what she had wanted to tell him.

"Oh." Severus's voice wasn't really boiled over with joy.

There was a long moment of awkward silence until Minerva finally couldn't endure the situation anymore and spoke up.

"What's wrong, Severus?"

"Nothing." He answered a little too quickly.

"Well, if it was nothing you most certainly wouldn't have been crying, locked away inside your office spending Christmas Eve in the dark." Minerva's words sounded a little harsh but her voice was soft.

Sighing Severus shook his head. "It's nothing, really."

Until then Minerva hadn't really known if the head of Slytherin had actually cried, she hadn't even been sure that he was able to, but him answering like that made her know. She wasn't stupid. And she had used the exact same excuse herself for thousands of times.

"You know, I'm a pretty discrete person." She kept her eyes on him, not letting go of his sight as she closed the door.

"Yeah, and I'm a pretty taciturn person." Severus tried to look back but couldn't quite stand her shrewd eyes.

Walking towards him Minerva tried to make him open up to her anyway.

"Severus, you don't have to keep everything to yourself. I know that you don't really trust anyone, including me which I find absolutely reasonable as I and a lot of others have always been aware that you have once been a Death Eater but I also know that you talked to Dumbledore about a lot of things and I think that you were a whole lot more balanced back when Albus was here. Just because he is gone that doesn't have to mean that there is no headmaster whom you can talk to."

"Dumbledore didn't duel me though", Severus mumbled trying to make up an excuse for not talking to Minerva or anyone. Her words had hit some sensitive spot deep inside of him but he didn't fancy a knowing Minerva who had taken a look at his shattered self which was well hidden behind the mask of a strict professor.

Minerva sighed.

"I'm sorry, Severus." Another sigh slipped out of her mouth. "It was my bad. I judged too quickly. You know, I've always known you as the Ex-Death Eater and when you went back to worshipping Voldemort I thought you'd never been anything else. But I never asked whether that was the truth, neither did I ask why you became a Death Eater in the first place. And I feel really bad for not being able to offer you anything but an apologise. I'm sorry."

Just then Snape realised that the witch meant what she said. She had meant all of her words, from the promise to treat everything he tells her discretely to her saying sorry. And suddenly his facade broke down. It went all the way crashing down to the ground.

The tears bubbled back up and his voice was raucous when he started telling her everything; Lily, his weaknesses, just everything.

He could barely finish because he was sobbing so hard, shaken by all the memories that dragged him into the feeling of sadness so deeply that he only surfaced when he felt a hand placed on his shoulder. Minerva was standing right next to him. He swallowed all the tears.

"I'm over it though. I was just thinking about her", he abrogated all his words.

Minerva smiled. It was a sad kind of smile.

"You know, I have times when I feel shattered, too. My Lily Evans was called Dougal McGregor."

Severus laughed a cold faked laugh.

"I don't feel shattered", he said. "I am shattered. Now, if there is nothing else I would appreciate getting some rest now."

His heart felt like it had just been sewn together only to be torn back apart seconds later by a single woman whom, as he had just realised, he had been having feelings for for quite a while now. He had just been too caught up in the tradition of grieving around Christmas that he hadn't really noticed an undeniable fact. He had fallen in love with Minerva McGonagall. And now she was telling him that there already was a man who had been the love of her life.

"Severus?" Minerva tapped his shoulder.

Obviously she had been asking him something.

"Pardon?" Severus forgot to speak as harshly as he had before.

Minerva smiled. "Nothing."

And suddenly it was all too much; the wrinkles around her mouth as she smiled, her green eyes sparkling through the faint light, her entire appearance so close to him.

Severus got up and before she had the chance to say something their lips were united. It was a brief kiss but Severus felt like there was electricity running through his veins. He slid his arms around her waist as he kissed Minerva a second time for more than a second now.

Minerva who had stumbled back at first did not reject him. She placed one hand around his neck and pulled him in closer with the other one.

When they finally released each other's lips Severus leaned his forehead against hers.

"Merry Christmas, Minerva", he whispered.

"Merry Christmas, Severus."


End file.
